“Ask Someone Who Cares!”
DEAR ? — I’ve done my research, and know Lithuanians are secretly invading our country. Do you think I should blow up the Capitol or the Pentagon?
ANSWER — Have you considered any other alternatives? How about starting a collection? For example, we have a friend who’s started a “blacklight” poster collection. These posters can be affordable and bring some color into your life. You could even set up a “blacklight room!” Wouldn’t that be fun?
DEAR ? — My friends and I like to dress in camo and march around with our guns. Can you recommend a forest in which we could muster before we go into town to frighten citizens?
ANSWER — Another possibility you might entertain, one that I think you might find more fun, is sex — it’s much more challenging — also more satisfying — and best of all, you can do this activity with any gender, or just by yourself! Be a real “macho man!”
DEAR ? — I’m just filled with resentment and unfocussed anger. Sometimes I feel like I might just pop! Pray tell, at whom should this malice be directed?
ANSWER — Have you considered becoming a hippie? For more information, look up “hippie” in Wikipedia, and get on board the Love Train! Wear love beads! Sit in the park at a “Love-In” and play drums or guitar or dance aimlessly in a circle! You’ll find your anger melts away as you indulge in activities like getting high with your friends where you laugh and laugh and laugh at any old thing!
NOTE FROM THE ? CORNER — Heard any wacky rumors that have you upset? Does your “research” consist of watching YouTube videos? Are you just plain P.O.d? Next time we’ll go over how a vegetable garden can make you calmer and bring you back to earth, with the additional benefit of free salad!